Sunday, February 5, 2012

Well, Duh

Thank you, "It's Just Me" and "anonymous" (who I know is my sister) for your comments.... it helps to know someone is out there and will say something to me in response to things I am dealing with.  Tish and Linda, I know I have never told you, but your comments really mean a lot to me.  They really help.  I really need them.  I am grateful that you will take the 45 seconds to type something, anything, because it means you care. so, thank you. :) after that mushiness, let's move on.  :)  Yes, the only thing to do is make a plan and do it, but how I will get that much protein in me I don't know.  (want to figure out a day's menu for me? don't include cottage cheese or milk, I gag just thinking about it) I can do it, it just won't be easy.  And no, I am not feeling any warmer.  I spent most of the weekend in bed under blankets & 2 dogs, shivering and freezing.   I am just shocked that I have done this to myself without intention or realizing it.  I thought I ate plenty well.  Plenty well? Does that make any sense? I'm too tired to fix it and try to think properly so, oh well.  When I go to the psychiatrist they always ask how is your appetite, are you eating and I have always said YES, in fact eating and gaining weight is more of a problem.  Never crossed my mind or theirs I guess to wonder what I am eating.  Dr Pepper is not a balanced meal in of itself??? huh.   When my kids were all home I cooked alot.  Seems like we were cooking all the time for the 5 of us.  I loved to cook.  When it was just me, Casey & Trey (my younger son and daughter who were my housemates until a year or two ago) we all took turns cooking and we all liked to cook.  Then when D-B day came I just lost interest in almost everything I used to do and cooking was the first to go.  Even when I attempt to cook I screw up the recipe now, can't remember what I have put in and what I haven't, read one ingredient and put in something else, forget it is in the oven or on the stove...and the mess? Oh heavens, talk about being forced to climb moutains...cook and then clean up...who has energy or desire to eat after that.  I know most people can not understand what it is like to be under the grips of depression so much that the thought of cooking, or getting dressed, or going to the store is as overwhelming as being told to go climb a mountain.  I hope you never have to know how it feels.  I can tell you that you would be in shock at what real fatigue from mental illness feels like.  Two months after I left the hospital my psychiatrist told me I would almost certainly never work full time again.  I really thought he was the crazy one.  When because of Dr reports I received full SS disability 6 months after the hospital alot of people, including me, were baffled that I would be considered permanently disabled.  What?! They are sending me money every month just because I need to catch up on some sleep?  I mean, yes, I applied for it on the good advice of others but I really thought in the back of my mind that I would be well and I was going back to working 1, 2, or 3 jobs at a time like I always had.  No.  My Dr's knew I am broken.  I can't do things a whole person should be able to do.  I have some trouble.  I just didn't get it and I was living it.  I can't expect anyone else to understand.  I had always worked, cooked, looked at whatever had to be done and did my best to do all I could until my body mentally and physically broke.  I am really, really good at putting on my game face and being smiley, happy, perky, of course everything is fine go out and MAKE it a good day attitude, pulling up every sliver of energy to do whatever I have to do ....... just the past few years that energy has run out pretty darn quickly.  (and LOL and duh! energy needs fuel, and I wasn't giving my body the fuel it needed....Lord, really, I miss my mind)   I really thought I was eating well.  Thinking back, if I couldn't concentrate enough to comprehend to read a fiction book when I have read a book a day most of my life why in the heck did I think I could concentrate enough to see that I was eating properly.  I just can't explain what it is like to look like a healthy person and be so broken.  To feel so overwhelmed.  To have things to deal with that seem so impossible.  And that is why I write about it here.  The world is full of people with chronic illnesses of all kinds that feel the same way.  Just feel sick, are sick but don't look sick. That think the entire world sees us a lazy. That wish they could do the things they used to do without even thinking about it.   Heck, wish we could see what needs doing and have the umpf to do it or care.  Well, if you are reading this and you are one of us, I understand.  I know.  I can't fix you or me but at least I understand what it is like. 

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Just remember that three well balanced meals doesn't mean that you have to have eggs and bacon evey morning. If you want spaghetti for breakfast then eat it. Just add you some MEAT and vegetables. Plan ahead and eat leftovers for breakfast on the mornings you go to Taylor. Or, you can always take it with you. Start simple and work your way up.

~It's Just Me~ said...

Red beans and rice together form a protein; add some whole wheat buttered bread to that. I know you like ice cream, what about milk shakes? You can make home made milk shakes, add what fruit, bananas, whatever you like; ... Just tossing out some ideas. A lot of vegans get their protein from tofu, which is soy beans. Don't get discouraged over not getting instant results; smooth and steady wins the race as a favorite tortoise once said.

Carol said...

today I was out and about and saw a nutrition store so I stopped and got some protein powder. I think i will make a milkshake with that and fruit. the lady told me to put it on oatmeal but once i read "milkshake" from your comment i thought i could do that too!