Tuesday, December 13, 2011

A Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day in my world

I have bawled since Max started doing the seizure thingys saturday night at 10:30.  Dr Wise is a real nice vet, prob my age or older and has a practice out here in the middle of us poor people.  He was very compassionate.  I think Max knew he was going to die that day because Monday morning he woke me up about 1 a.m. and he wanted to eat...when he wanted something he pawed me in a certain way and I would say do you want out, do you want to eat, do you want a cookie, do you want under the blanket....until I guessed right and he would let me know.  He was really a smart dog.  Anyway he ate in the middle of the night for the first time in 24 hours or so, and then he wanted in my lap and gave me lots of kisses and hugged me and we talked.  He and I stayed up most of the rest of the night until about 5 a.m. and we both went to sleep.  When I finally got up and put him and the girls outside he seemed to be doing real good, walked all over the yard and checked everything out and smelled everything...stayed outside more than he has in a long time.  When I put the leash on him to go to the vet's he was excited to have a leash on because he knew that meant going for a ride or a walk and beat us out the door.   At the vet's he walked just fine, not wobbly like he was Sunday morning .... had plenty of energy to hop off the scale and take off into a doorway next to the scale.  He had his ears perked up like when he felt good while the vet was examining him and taking blood.  Acted much better than he did on Sunday except for his body cavity was so bloated looking.  When the vet discovered his stomach was full of blood he told me Max was going to die before night unless we could stop the internal bleeding.  He told me we had two options, he would do exploratory surgery and if there was something he could do he would but if not he would just sew him up and call me, or I could have him put him down right then but that it was critical that we do something for him right then or he would just bleed out.  Because of his lab work they did real quick he was hopeful and said if he could remove the tumor that was bleeding out Max would have quite a few years left even though he was 11, so casey and I were really hopeful too and opted for the surgery.  When they took Max off to prep him for the surgery Max looked me right in the eye and I told him it was going to be all right and he was a good boy.  I asked the vet if I could take Max to a park one more time and to let Trey see him just in case but the vet said no we really didn't have time, he would bleed to death first.  Said he would call us in about an hour when he saw what was in there but it was just 30 minutes when he called and said Max had cancer just everywhere and there wasn't anything he could do for him....so we told him to go ahead and put him down, he said if he didn't max would die shortly anyway and I didn't want him to just lay there and bleed to death.  We had just picked up Trey when the vet called so we came home and Trey and I dug a grave, we went to the vet's and Casey and Trey went inside and got Max.  He was in a black trash bag inside a box but when Trey set him in my lap I opened it up.  Max didn't look dead.  I could see his big brown eyes.  He was limp but it was my Maxie.  I told Trey and Casey I didn't think he was really dead but they kept telling me yes he was.  Trey said he didn't have a pulse and Dr Wise would have made sure.  I just didn't want him to be dead.  When we got home I sat on the swing outside and took him out of the box and held him so my girl dogs and Casey's dog could smell him.  I had heard that if you let them smell a dead dog the other dogs would understand that he was gone but I don't think my dogs got it.  The girls obviously were looking for him when we went to bed last night and when I came home from babysitting today.  After the dogs smelled him and I cuddled him awhile and Trey hugged him we wrapped him in a blanket and Trey, Casey and I buried him.  It was just awful.  It has been drizzling and misting and cold ever since and that is pretty much how I feel....like a cold, dreary, sad, drippy day. Max hated being cold.  I wish I had cremated him instead but it all happened so fast I didn't call about it before we buried him.  I don't know what I would have done without my daughter and son.  After we finished Casey and I took Trey home and I texted my daughter-in-law to see if I could come hug my granddaughter since we were so close.  It was the only thing I could think of that might make me feel any better. 

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