Saturday, June 5, 2010

where does depression hurt, everywhere; or welcome to the pity party

Post # 16
So, how's this extended vacation working for me?
  my depression has just plummeted this week. This is day 44 since i went to hospital because the constant suicidal thoughts scared me so bad.  At the hospital the Dr reduced one of my antidepressants by 1/3, and totally took me off the 2nd antidepressant I'd been taking for years, and added a drug for anxiety. Since I was admitted  for suicidal thoughts why would they reduce my antidepressants? I haven't been able to function without antidepressants in a dozen years. I'm glad he added that prescription for anxiety, but ...hello, I am in the deep depression hell hole again, why wouldn't they up my antidepressants rather than reduce them?  When you are depressed it is hard to "think" so it's taken me this long to realize I feel this bad today because the Dr I am paying approximately $150 a minute does not have me on enough antidepressants. I am trying to feel better.  Hauling 40# bags of manure around and building garden boxes has been exercise.  I rack my brain all day to try to find a pleasant thought to put on my blog (good positive thinking therapy), I sit in my chair most of the day holding a dog (security blanket) when i feel like crying and can't get the energy/interest/umphf to do anything else, I'm getting that sleep that is suppose to help (Dr N said nothing was going to work if i first didn't start sleeping more than 3-4 hrs a night), i know this is NOT helping but if i am awake i am worrying (wondering when will this depression, anxiety, panicky, feeling of doom ever go away, what am i going to do with the stack of medical & other bills, will i ever be functional enough to go back to work, how will i support myself if i can't, why can't i make myself read a book or cook a meal....things i love to do but haven't since March.   i can work outside for an hour or two when i wake up in the mornings, then the heat just zaps me and i come in and sleep (side effect of the next scheduled pill), get on the computer and read email if it is really a note from someone (even the briefest note from my friends makes me feel better) but if subject line is something like "this is true--pass it on" i just delete those... i don't have the energy or interest in "junk mail", for a few minutes i read the square foot gardening site forum---see what my online gardening friends know about bugs eating their plants, best method for getting rid of slugs (i don't have slugs but ya never know), i try to figure out life plan A (which needs to be to go back to work Mon the 20th because my a/l will have run out), kinda think that isn't likely to happen so then try to come up with plan b, c and d for what if i can't return to work. still can't get my mind to concentration enough to read a book or magazine except that one Kate +8 book, I watch one tv show a week, the Mentalist, otherwise put on one of my favorite dvds just for background noise if i need to. The other day i had a spurt of energy and i cleaned the utility room from top to needed it...and that felt good to accomplish something, and i have been keeping the little bathroom clean the past two weeks (those are the two smallest rooms so i picked them to tackle first), look at the rest of this house that needs a major cleaning and i just can't handle it, get too overwhelmed just thinking about where to start so i don't.  oh, i did clean out the freezer the other day, i just have to pick small jobs and try to get thru them so i don't get overwhelmed and end up not doing anything. By 7 or 8 pm it is usually cool enough for me to get back outside and putter in my garden or just sit on the swing til it is too dark, or more likely the mosquito spray has quit working and then i come in and take the next pill which will most likely put me right to sleep. I'm working on that "venture out into the real world at least once a day thing" but I haven't actually done that since seeing the psych and then the therapist on Wed. On that day i also went to visit friends at a library and couldn't keep from crying, called a friend that i hadn't talked to in a while and couldn't keep from crying...then hung up and bawled for an hour or two, talked to another friend late that night and vented, then cried when i got off the phone, then early the next morning talked to a friend from high school that i recently reconnected with--- didn't cry on the phone but not only cried when i hung up but went to sleep because it is so exhausting to try to talk on the phone, be "happy", and try to hear well enough to follow a conversation.  was also the same day Dr/hosp bills arrived.  things have gone down hill since then.  Think i shall go listen to "Ooh child things are gonna get brighter" one more time, and hope you are having a better day than me. 

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