Thursday, June 17, 2010

The Pity Party Is Over

Post # 27
Ok, I am going to end the pity party and start planning the next couple of years.  I have a Heavenly Father who loves me so much, and cares for me in ways I don't always see.  I have suffered with severe depression and anxiety for decades.  I had to work to support myself and my children so I had to deal with those mental illness issues as best I could and squish a lot of those hurts, and stresses, and fears, and everything else painful about life and being mentally ill as far deep inside my soul as I could.  Well, that is not the best way to handle it because eventually all of that has to spew to the top and on April 22nd that is what happened. My Heavenly Father, who sees the beginning from the end, helped me hold on.  My antidepressants stopped working I don't know when but between October and April quite a few really major, devestating things happened in our family and I had more stress than I could squish in that hiding place. Money, or the lack of it, has always been a major stress, My meds weren't working and my brain chemicals became messed up and hard things were happening to me way too often.  Between January and April the suicidal thoughts just bombarded me every day until I was scared of myself. But Heavenly Father helped me hold on until I was close enough to be eligible to retire so that when the dam broke and all those things just drove me into a mental meltdown I had enough sick leave and annual leave to hold me over while I had to be in the hospital and then at home trying to heal.  If I had had this meltdown in January I would have had to go months without income. He helped me hold on until I had a safe place to fall.  I don't have a lot of retirement money but with the help of a wonderful woman at city hall, my therapist and my son we figured out a way for me to be taken care of long enough for me to get well enough to work & supplement my retirement check, or get Social Security Disability, whichever the Lord has planned for me.   I am going to continue to rest as much as possible and pray that this latest drug combo is the one that will let me be a functional person.  I am going to take classes at AC and learn to do something totally different than working at the library so that I will be able to work at least part time some day.  For 18 months I am not going to even think about getting a job, and while I will need to be more frugal than ever, for the first time in my life I won't have to worry how the electric bill is going to be paid.  I am going to concentrate on getting me healed and starting a new life. I am going to enjoy the company of my children and grandchildren as often as they will let me.  I am going to play cards or board games as often as possible.  I am going to work in my yard and make it as pretty as I can on a limited budget.  I am going to sit on my lawn swing in the garden and just be. And I am fortunate to have had the career I did, and I am fortunate that I can have this time to take care of me.  For years I have told my kids in times of trial "you never know what is just around the corner, and most of the time it isn't bad."   I am going to take care of me first instead of last, and I am going to be OK.

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