Tuesday, June 22, 2010

this journey through depression and anxiety

Post # 34
I went to the mall!  I don't like going to the mall and right now I don't like leaving my house at all so it's a big deal that I not only got out of the house for the first time in exactly a week (I could so easily be a hermit) but that I walked through the mall, OK part of the mall.  Both my son and daughter were with me, and since it was a Tuesday evening not close to any major holiday the mall was fairly empty.  I bought a washer and dryer at Sears...will pay for them with a partial lump sum from my retirement.  I am afraid ...paranoid...of trying to live on retirement and the washer going out & me with no way to replace it.  My old one has been acting up lately, running extra rinses when we don't want them.  They are about 12-14 years old and still work, but I bought them from my ex-daughter-in-law's mom when she got new ones. I think about Gail and Kay every time I see those appliances and I am very sad that Gail left my son and don't want to see her mom's washer in my house.  Is that absolutely stupid?   Actually my daughter, Casey and I have been looking at washers for about a year now. I should be good on appliances for the rest of my life since the house came with a stove, fridge and dishwasher, except I'd like to get a freezer. It is really odd to think "will this appliance outlive me?"  My mom was just 16 years older than me when she passed away. 16 years? In 16 years my newest grandchild will just be taking drivers training. Back to today, after the mall, my son, Brent bought us BBQ beef sandwiches and we got home just in time before we got a little rain...mostly horizontal, just enough to wet the sidewalk but lots of thunder and lightning.  I live very close to the news channel 10 station and on the 10 p.m. news they showed dumpsters blown over outside the station. Typical windy day in the panhandle. Gracie is scared of thunder so she was glad to see us.  In fact, the poor thing is curled up under my armpit because it is still thundering.  I started reading a book today...Ladies of the Lake by Haywood Smith...it feels good to be reading a book! I haven't talked to a single person other than my kids in a week but a friend is meeting me at the botanical garden Fri after my psych appt and I have got to go up to city hall and sign the retirement forms...hard thing to do.  I was suppose to go to city hall Monday a.m. but I stressed so much over it on Sunday I ended up with a vicious headache,  didn't sleep much Sunday night, felt horrid all day Monday and cancelled my appt.  I keeping meaning to call & reschedule, and make an appt with my therapist as well, she really helps, but I haven't done either.  On the way to the mall tonight we passed the library, I didn't cry but I could have...I simply can not believe I no longer work there.  I keep wishing I would wake up and the past 2 months just be a terribly bad dream.   I am making progress, but still...really bad depression makes things as simple as calling and setting up an appt seem like climbing a mountain, seeing the place where I loved to work, pretty hard.  positive thought for the day.....I get to see my grandsons every day for the next two weeks. Today my grandson Travis and I made homemade milkshakes. Yum!

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