Monday, March 19, 2012

This is probably the last post

This is probably the last post.  Thank you to my readers.  If you want to stay in touch leave a comment and I will check back when I can and I will make sure you have my email address or something.   I made some friends through this blog that I really treasure and that was pretty awesome.   I am just tired  exhausted. Mentally unstable.  Overwhelmed by  Sad. In the depression hell hole. Not well. And with the price of gas, groceries, etc going up I am financially screwed unless I can get healthy enough to get a job, and that (both lack of money, need for a job) brings on additional worry and stress.  Trying to live on the equivilant of minimum wage with a house payment, car payment and support two dogs (worth their weight in gold) is just stressful.  I can no longer afford the internet at my house so as soon as I can get one of my sons or daughters to handle the shutting it off for me (pretty simple task but too overwhelming for me to handle right now) it will be hard to post on the blog so this is probably goodbye.  I can check my email at McDonalds or a local bookstore so I will be checking it when I can though, probably once a week or less. The residual effects of the big panic attack from a few weeks ago are just hanging on.  I want to sleep constantly. I can't get anything done at home that needs doing.  I am having anxiety issues left and right.   It really seems like once I let the Pandora's Box lid open enough for one full blown major panic attack at the library the other day dozens of other anxiety issues want out of the box too and I have to squish them back in the box.  Actually, all of those things have been a big problem since last August when I went off the medication I could no longer afford.  I have actually been a total mess since then, just no one sees it unless you are actually with me, and my psychiatrist is just going to have to figure out something.  I am only good when I am with my grandchildren and I go into "use everything bit of strength I have to be the good, responsible Grandma I know I can be" mode, so thank God for them & the ability to pull up enough umptf to function when I am with them. Today I decided enough is enough.  My goal this week is to figure out what I need to do to get things in my life straightened out as much as I can.  I can't, don't want to, continue on with the anxiety problems like I have for the most of March.  I want to be able to do whatever I want ... volunteer, or have a part time job, go to church, whatever I want without suffering fake heart attacks and anxiety for weeks.  I see my psychiatrist next month and doubt I could get an appointment any sooner since it is at a free clinic but when I see her I have a written list of things I need to talk about with her.  I just have to have help to get better because this just isn't working for me.  I want to rejoin the world as a functioning person, or at least more functioning than I have been this month.  Anyway, if you want to stay in touch, leave a comment (if you want it then ask for my email address) and we will email if nothing else.   It will be several days until I can get someone to handle cancelling the internet probably so I will be checking to see if I have comments or emails.  I will also have one of my kids cancel my cell phone but my daughter is going to put me on her plan and I think it will have unlimited text.  She is doing that for me because I don't have a house phone.  Won't know about the unlimited text til we actually do it, or if my number will change. Thank you for all your kind words .... you can not imagine what a difference they made some days.  I read a lady's blog and today she had the most perfect thing.... a you tube video of Helen Reddy singing I Am Woman (you can hear a version at the link below).  That song became popular the summer I graduated from high school.  Throughout my entire life when I felt like I accomplished something I would joyfully sing that song to myself when I was alone ( I can not carry a tune in a bucket so I don't sing in public too often) or sing it mentally in my head if I were at work or something.  More often, during times when I needed encouragement and felt like I could only count on myself I would sing that to me and tell myself to believe those words.  Many a day, heck, most days, I sang that to myself on the way to work when I was suffering with depression to remind myself that I could handle one more day. 
 If I have to I can do anything. I am strong. I am invincible.     


Kate said...

Hang in there. I know that at times it just becomes overwhelming... that it seems at times that there is nothing more we can accomplish, that we're beaten down and that the obstacles are insurmountable...

Then suddenly there is a breath of fresh air, a moment of light and hope, and we get a second wind to keep up the fight.

You'll get through this. I have faith in you.

Carol said...

Thank you, Kate. I know I will get through this ... 'cause I am going to be singing that song every day til I get through the other side of this darkness! You hang in there too. This is going to be a fantastic summer for you. When I can I will check in on your blog to see how things are going.