Monday, March 5, 2012

I Did It!

    Next month it will be two years since my breakdown.  I can't believe two years has gone by. During that time I have been in a library maybe 3 or 4 times.  My daughters pick up books for me after I go online and place holds on the titles I want.  At first it was just too painful to even see the library building.  I loved working there and could not believe I am no longer able to work.  Just crushed me to no longer have that job. For the first year just seeing a library building made me cry.  This past year has been better....no crying when I drive by ... well mostly not, but I still have not wanted to go inside and see someone else in "my chair."    I had a big bag of books to return to the library today.  I met my sister from N.M. this morning at a Dr's office parking lot while her husband was inside and then I had to go to Target to pick up a prescription.  On the way home I was going to put the books in the return book drop at a library branch where several friends work.  I decided dang, it has been two years, it is time ... so instead of putting my books in the drive up book drop I went inside.  I started getting the I'm-going-to-have-a-heart-attack feeling but I talked to one of my friends who was working there and it wasn't too overpowering.  The branch head is a man I have known since 1990.  He is nice.  I asked him if I could possibly volunteer to shelve books.  I love to shelve.  So --- not only did I go in a library, but I am going to be volunteering on Saturday mornings and Sunday afternoons.   I had been thinking about asking to volunteer at a library for a while now.    As soon as I got in the car I wished I had not asked to volunteer. The anxiety level went wayyyy up, heart attack feeling intensified, panic attack mode in full blown aauugghhhhhhhhh.  I am really tired of this feeling but I AM going to show up Saturday to volunteer.  Stay tuned.  I may been in the ER with a heart attack by lunch time Saturday but we will see. :)

7 comments:

Kate said...

I think this is WONDERFUL! Congratulations!

I'm sure your love of the library will overcome the anxiety. This is a beautiful thing you're doing... both for yourself AND the library.

Carol said...

Thank you for your encouragement! :) I have been tossing this idea around since I saw my psychiatrist in January. She felt like it would be a good idea. It has been 5 hours since I left the library today and the horrible racing heart, fear, jittering insides, clammy feeling is just now starting to subside. I HATE HOW THIS MAKES ME FEEL. Knowing it is from my anxiety & agoraphobia issues doesn't make it any easier to experience. I have been chillin' all afternoon just trying to calm myself down. One good thing is knowing that I can leave at any time. I chose a library where I know everyone except 3 new people and a branch that is only a few years old with lots and lots and lots of windows. Not feeling trapped inside a place ... even if it is just windows, not doors, reallly helps ... plus I am familiar with the floorplan and know exactly where all the doors are. :) The branch head's father is a psychiatrist and his sister is bipolar so he has an understanding most do not. It will be ok. What I really, really need to do is find a paying job but even volunteering is a big step for me. Thanks again for the encouragement.

~It's Just Me~ said...

Wow! You Go Girl! I am soooo proud of you!! You're gonna be okay. The first time will probably be the hardest. Hopefully, it will then get easier and easier over time. You love the library. Just keep focusing on how much you love the library, and what about it you love most. {{{Big Hugs}}}

Carol said...

by now I am muttering what on earth thinkin' so thank you for encouraging words. I hate how this feels. I was having such a good day and because I was feeling good did that and was panicky til now still (10 p.m.) I hate mental problems :( but I will go.... that which does not kill us....

Carol said...

I meant what on earth was I thinkin' --- I don't know, is it worth this panicky feeling? I have had a miserable afternoon/evening

Anonymous said...

I wish you were coming to volunteer for me. I even have some old books. lol... By the way, have you ever read any books on the Harvey Houses? They are super neat.

Carol said...

Harvey Houses? No -- I will look that up. Where they homes for the Harvey Girls?