Sunday, October 9, 2011

a black week

writing is therapy for me.  whatever crosses my mind that i can blog about for a few minutes helps me focus...something i have a real hard time doing the past couple of years.  blogging helps me focus on happy things, helps me release things i need to release from my mind, helps me cope with whatever i have to cope with.  i have tried to make most posts something happy or funny or ordinary and keep the sad ones to a minimum.  sometimes the sad ones have to come out.  if i miss a day, or several, of blogging it is because i am too depressed to come up with something not sad, or i am having so much trouble focusing i can not cope with trying to write a paragraph that makes sense, or can't cope with the long process of spell checking and going back over to make sure what i have written has made some sort of sense since i have so much trouble concentrating reading and writing and talking sometimes.  if i published what i typed before all the editing it would be such a mess you would have no idea what i was trying to say. please forgive things like lack of capitalization, some times it is just not worth the energy it would take.   SO ,,, this is one of those really hard but theraputic posts because it has been a rough week in carol's world.  My feet, the Morton's Neuroma...I guess that is the problem, have hurt so bad by the end of the day I don't know what to do but bawl.  They hurt so bad that when my little granddaughter reached out and touched my toes gently with her baby hand Friday morning I could not help but let tears slip down my cheeks and hold the urge to loudly moan inside.  She didn't pinch, scratch, squeeze....she just touched.  That a gentle touch by a baby hand hurt so bad made me wonder if this is a different nerve disorder, something like my daughter's fibromyalgia.  I don't know.  I don't have insurance any more and I have been to numerous Dr's over the years since I was first diagnosed with Morton's and we never have come up with much to do for it but live with it .... as mentioned in previous posts.  By the end of the day just the thought of having to get out of my chair and walk the 15 feet down the hall to the bathroom makes me nauseous.  really.physically.nauseous. To stand on my feet feels like thousands of big fat needles being repeatedly jammed into every surface of my feet, nonstop. to not stand on them still feels like hundreds of needles jabbing me.   the first hour or two in the morning is bearable but then the pain starts and lasts until i fall asleep that night.  At night I sit in my recliner with my feet up to watch TV and the only way I can stand it is to take lots of over the counter pain reliever and put a bed pillow on the footrest to place my feet on to cushion the pressure.   I wonder if being in emotional pain makes the physical pain more intense.  a baby died.  last Sunday morning an 11 day old baby in my town died.  she was in a bassinet right next to her  mom who was sleeping on a couch with a pit bull/mastiff mix dog at her feet.  in the wee dark hours of the morning the mom woke up and could not find her baby in the bassinet. something horrifically tragic happened. the baby did not survive.  neighbors said it was an old, sweet dog, never aggressive.  the thought of what happened has haunted my every waking moment this week.  i have bawled many tears for that baby, as well as for the mom who she herself had to pry the dog's jaws apart to free her baby.  i wonder if my physical pain makes my emotional pain more intense.  my emotional pain is just raw.  in my town there is an organization that raises money to send World War II veterans to Washington DC to see the memorials and sights.  Texas Panhandle Honor Flights it is called.  i love that someone does that for these veterans. a free 3 day trip for a soldier and companion on a special group flight/tour/trip. my dad was a veteran.  he would have enjoyed a trip like this, with other soldiers of his era. next year they are expanding to provide this honor for veterans from other wars as well.  anyway, a group returned from Washington this week.  On our local news it was announced that citizens were invited to go to the airport to welcome them home.  It was requested that one wear red, white or blue.  Soldiers, the Flag, red, white and blue, taps....those things stir up my emotions. To hear them say wear red, white, blue made me bawl.  i would like to have gone but i know i would have been bawling like a baby and unable to drive myself home.  Today was homecoming for the local university. (this is Texas where football is .... well, FOOTBALL). I've never been to a college football game but I would like to.  saw a clip on the news tonight. The clip of that game made me bawl over 3 things....the college band playing the fight song. bawl.  the site of the ambulance on the sidelines.  bawl.  does this not disturb anyone other than me that we send our children out to play a game that requires an ambulance on standby right at the edge of the field????? (well, not ME, i was the mean ole mom who said over my dead body are you playing a game where concussions are routine...but my little grandsons play, grandma's approval was not in Texas flag football leagues begin in 1st grade---you are 6? well, what are you waiting for, grab a helmet, suit up and let's work on scrambling that brain!!!) ah, Texas, land of football and cheer leading...  my granddaughter had a  toddler size Texas Tech cheerleader's outfit before she was born, a shower present.... but back to me bawling.... I watched a bit of the homecoming football game highlights on the news.  The color guard was flown in by helicopter and landed on the 50 yard line.  To see those young men in uniform step out of that helicopter made me.... bawl.  I have two grandsons, 9 and 11.  Friday school was released at 12:30 for parent/teacher conferences.  On the ten o'clock news they said a 12 year old boy from the same school district my grandsons attend was missing. had not been seen since school let out at 12:30.  almost 10 hrs.  I did not know the child or the family but that did not matter.  I bawled for the poor scared kid and the poor scared family.  I was just beside myself with desire to go out and help look for that kid.  it could have been my grandson. i would want someone out looking.  the news did not mention a search party or anything. I can't see well enough to drive in the dark, i don't know where to look, i just felt helpless to aid that child. the good news this morning was that shortly after the news aired Fri night the child was located at a friend's house.  I do not know how it went down but this might be a good guess....picture 2 people watching the 10 o'clock news...the missing kid's photo fills the screen....  daddy & momma look at each other and say hey, isn't that the kid that has been hanging around here all day???   Jr, get in here and bring your friend!!!!  but back to my ranting...the kid is found safe and sound.  and i was so relieved i just ....bawled.  Steve Jobs dies.  reportedly wrote a love note to his wife and framed it, apologizes to his wife for having to leave this earth so soon. says they had good times, they had hard times but they did not have bad times. me--major, major bawl.  yet once again people in the news choose to say derogatory things about my religion.  While I personally do not understand why other people who proclaim to be Christians feel the need to constantly partake in Mormon bashing, here in the "Bible Belt" it is popular sport and I am used to it, but it saddens me.  However, I am glad that we live in a country with freedom of speech and that they have the right to voice their opinion.  I am also very glad when I hear people encourage others to "not give voice to bigotry."  From the Dallas Morning News Wayne Slater/Reporter  quote...Author and former Education Secretary Bill Bennett had stern words for Dallas megapastor Robert Jeffress this morning at the Values Voters Summitt, saying he didn't help Rick Perry by attacking Mitt Romney's Mormon faith. Bennett told the crowd of evangelicals Saturday morning, "Do not give voice to bigotry. I'm thinking of the words of Pastor Jeffress. Do not give voice to bigotry." In endorsing Perry on Friday at the Values Voters conference, Jeffress said he doesn't believe Romney is a conservative and thinks Mormonism is a cult.  From the stage Saturday morning, just minutes before Romney's arrival to speak to the group, Bennett said that Jeffress' remarks stepped on the message of Perry and the other Republican presidential hopefuls who spoke Friday. "You did Rick Perry no good sir, in what you had to say." close quote. When initially asked by ABC News whether Gov. Perry agreed that Mormonism is a cult, Perry spokesman Mark Miner said: “The governor doesn’t judge what is in the heart and soul of others. He leaves that to God.”  bawl grateful tears that someone would say don't voice bigotry, don't judge -- leave that to God.  (and yes, Mormons are Christians.  The name of our church is not Mormon but The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  Actually we prefer to be called Latter Day Saints.)  if you want to know what true Mormons believe please go to    this week someone severely hurt my feelings. (if i did not have a discussion in person with you about something on Sat. afternoon then you weren't that person and what it was about does not matter to you).  My therapist would have been proud of me.  I told them how i saw the situation and how their comment hurt me.  it just might have been the first time in my life that i have confronted a person and said this hurt my feelings. bawl. i called a former co-worker at the library this week to tell her my daughter would be bringing a baby present by for her but that i just couldn't do it myself yet....go to the library.  she said to me Carol, it is just a building with books.  she has said this to me twice now over the past 18 months (but who is counting?) since i last worked and i know that she means it as a way of comfort or support to me but ... to me it was not just a building with books, it was my life. bawl.  I bought that new has a CD player! my 13 yr old car that I had been driving didn't even have a radio thanks to local thugs.   I was at Kohl's and for $5 they have a Christmas goes to charity so I splurged and got one.  My old boss used to say Christmas music should always be played in any month ending in "ber".  First of all, just ---forever--- whenever I have heard Christmas carols or hymns of any kind my body has wanted to tune up and bawl.  did i mention my emotional health is just raw, always has been to some degree? I can't tell you how many times i have sat in church with tears running down my face because the spiritual feeling i get from hymns is so strong.  Anyway, I have been listening to those Christmas carols as i drive.  If I am driving for very long I have had to take the CD out because no one wants me driving and crying!!  Kenny Chesney singing O Little Town of Bethlehem, bawl.    The Texas Tech University Health Sciences Center Laura W. Bush Institute for Women’s Health has a grant to provide mammograms for women.  "The program’s goal is simple: Fight obstacles to ensure that more women receive mammograms. That includes women who can’t afford it.  The program’s most common patients will be women who prior to the program launch fell through the cracks; those women who couldn’t afford care because their income is too high to qualify for government assistance"   Since I don't have health insurance I qualify.  Every Saturday morning in October a team from the institute will be at one of the Amarillo and Lubbock wal-marts to sign women up.  The members of the team I spoke with today were so nice, just awesome women.  I appreciated their kindness.  was hard work for me to not bawl right there in walmart as i talked to them.  Sat. afternoon was just awesome.  Cool weather has arrived.  50's. I felt really chilly with my windows open and the breeze coming in.  I got a fleece throw to wrap around me while I .....what else in the fall in Texas....watched football on TV.  (never watched much football before but between the depression, anxiety, physical pain I just can not concentrate enough to read and understand what i am reading so....for half a century i read through football season but now i am watching).  just to feel "chilly" after our hotter than hell summer made me bawl.  i know, bawling because it is chilly.....this is really out of hand.   Tonight i discovered mouse poop in my home. the thought of coming up with the energy to clean out cabinets, and be on my sore feet to do it, is almost more than i can handle. bawl.  an awesome woman in town collects coats to give school children that need one.  I saw a commercial for her coat drive. bawl. Just a fraction of the bawling i did this week.  Gee, this would have been a long post if i had kept a list. BUT, YOU KNOW THAT OLD SAYING "IT IS ALWAYS DARKEST BEFORE THE DAWN"?.....I got an email from the Texas Mental Health place and my number has come up.!!!!!!!!!!!!   Monday I get to go see my caseworker who will then get me in with a psychiatrist and they will help me get some medicine! Yes!  I didn't want to get back on any kind of medication but this week of continual bawling has been difficult.  And the "ber" months are here....I have Christmas carols to listen to!

1 comment:

TreyW said...

Your right about your emotion affecting your physical pain. For some reason people in this country see emotional pain/mental illness and physical pain/illness as two different things, but they're not. The brain and the body are not two separate things, they're in the same case, so to speak. All pain is a construct of the brain; the really interesting thing is that the feeling of physical pain and feeling of emotional pain come from the SAME PART OF THE BRAIN. I get a dull aching pain in my chest when I'm really depressed. This isn't "phantom" pain, it's my brain telling me that something is wrong; whether it's depression or a stubbed toe. People who think that emotional pain is "all in your head" are actually right in a way, what they don't realize is that ALL pain is in your head. The next time someone tells you that you can make your depression go away if you try hard enough, just step on their foot and tell them to try and make the pain in their toe go away.