Of All The Things I've Lost...

Of all the things I have lost, I miss my mind the most.  As I have probably said in a post or two, after a life of being hot natured suddenly for the past month I have been freezing, shivering under blankets, covered in goosebumps cold.  I thought maybe it was a side effect of the new antidepressant.  When I saw the psychiatrist Monday she said...re: being cold...that no, probably my thyroid medication was not the correct strength.  OK, fine.  Since I do not have a family Dr (the years I worked for the city I went to the clinic available only to city employees) I got on the phone and made an appointment with Texas Tech Health Science Center.  A wonderful place.  When I needed a hysterectomy I went to the Texas Tech Dr's.  When I had a solid mass lump in my breast I went to the Texas Tech Dr's.  I am a Texas Tech Health Science Center fan, whether I have been seen by a Dr on staff or a Dr with a group of residents.  In fact I like being seen by residents.  They are caring, thorough, concerned.  Texas Tech staff Dr's have treated me better than any other Dr's I have ever been to.  Today I met a woman Dr on staff in family medicine and I told her I hope this is the beginning of a relationship I have until I die.  I really, really liked her.  But back to my lost mind.  My main complaint right now is I am constantly freezing cold. My insomnia has been bad for a couple of years, and especially this week, and I am just dead, dead tired.  And cold.  When I got to the TTHSC and saw the nurse I told her I was there because I was tired and my psychiatrist said it must be my thyroid problem.  The nurse and I talked for several minutes and then suddenly my mind clicked for a second and I told her as she was about to leave...OH wait...and explained that I have been cold, THAT is what my psychiatrist said is probably thyroid related.  Good grief! Not 30 minutes before I had been laying under a doubled over blanket covered in goosebumps my daughter told me she could see from halfway across the room and when I get the the Dr's office I totally forget that and just say I am here because I am tired??!!? Oh, I miss my mind.  Thank heavens I thought about it (the being cold).  My new Dr said she wanted to runs some tests to check my thyroid and to see if I might be anemic.  Monday, or maybe Tuesday she will get the results and email me.  We talked about my mind being so slow, my lack of concentration, my confusion and my being tired.  I told her on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being I have all the energy I need to do what I need to accomplish each day I am seriously at a 2, maybe a 3. Maybe a 1.  I save up all of my energy to take care of my granddaughter 5 hours a day, 4 days a week because she is important and she brings me joy.  My energy has diminished to the point that yesterday I realized I can't really take care of myself right now.  Have not been taking care of myself since Max died in December.  My energy is just gone.  I can get to my son's home, take excellent care of Taylor, and then I use the last of my energy to get myself home where I sit in my chair until I go to bed because I am totally worn out.  Yesterday I realized that for the month of January I have eaten fast food almost every day. I never eat breakfast, I grab some fast food for lunch on the way home from babysitting and then eat ice cream or something for dinner, if anything.  Nothing tastes very good or sounds appealing...a new experience for me since until last fall food was one of my best friends.   On the days I haven't been through a drive up window for food then I have eaten tomato soup, microwave popcorn, ice cream or microwave up in the box little diet meals. Whatever takes the least amount of energy.  Last fall I lost 25 pounds.  In the past 27 days of eating only fast food I have gained 10 pounds back.  10 pounds.  Since I was seeing a Dr who is new to me today I explained about my depression, etc.  I told her in August when I stopped taking antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication for 3 months after being on them for 20 years I physically felt better than I ever remember feeling, except for the fact that I was bawling all the time and my depression worsened.  I felt so good I was cooking homemade soups most of the time and going for long walks with my granddaughter until the Morton's Neuroma because so excruciating.  Physically I felt fantastic, mentally I went downhill quickly without the meds.  Duh! That is why the weight mysteriously dropped off of me.  I was eating healthy and exercising.  Dadgum Morton's Neuroma! I continued to cook soups and beans through December and even though I was not able to walk I stayed at 179 until I started the January fast food diet.  The Dr asked me to try some things in addition to her checking my blood work.  She asked me to take a multivitamin,  1500 mg of calcium with 800 mg of vitamin D, and B-50.  At Wal-Mart the spot for B-50 was empty but I found someone to ask.  She told me that when they got a shipment of B-50 it would sell out that day.  She didn't expect any for a week or so.  i went to two drugstores and they were out too. Maybe it works!  They all told me they could not keep it on the shelves.  At Walgreen's I was telling the pharmacy tech I had asked to help me look for it that it was suppose to boost my metabolism and give me a lot of energy.  A lady standing there said she was a nurse, and she said you want B-12, not B-50 and I told her no, I have it written down.  She said she saw on Dr Oz that B-12 would do the same thing but you had to buy the kind that was labeled SUBLINGUAL (taken under the tongue).  She told me she had been giving it to her 70 year old parents for a week and already they had more energy than they could remember.  Since I couldn't find the B-50 I went ahead and got what she suggested....Nature Made B-12 Sublingual 1,000mcg...take once a day with food, let disolve under tongue. (just took a minute and was cherry flavored)  I decided I was going to eat healthy.  At Wal-Mart I bought fruit, some canned vegetables....neither I have eaten in I don't know when...and things to make homemade soups.  Casey is coming tomorrow to help me clean house and get menus planned.  I kept my receipt and I am going to figure out how much it costs to eat fruit, veggies, healthy things.  I will post that in a week or so.  I am thinking about buying a treadmill. I have wanted one for a long time but just hated to spend the money when I could walk outside for free.  I would hate to spend the money and it cause my Morton's Neuroma to flare up.  I can not express to you how painful that was this fall.  Just truly almost unbearable.  I know I have to exercise but scared to death to cause a flare up. I have a Wii and the Wii fit program.  I know I can do that so I am going to do what I can to get rid of these new 10 pounds.  The only other thing was my blood pressure. It has always been fine.  Right where it should be.  Today it was 163 over 90.  I told her I was concerned about that and because of my sister's problems with it I may be at risk for high blood pressure but I don't want to go down that road.  She said well, go check it at a drugstore every now and then and watch it.  She felt like since this was the first time it has been anything other than normal I shouldn't get too worried.  She said maybe your anxiety caused it....yes, I told her....I was having a panic attack because none of my children could come with me today to be my "ears" and that was uncomfortable for me.  My agoraphobia was causing me anxiety too because I was entering a 5 story building full of people and I don't do well in crowds of people.  The Dr said you may have just eaten something salty today or had caffeine?  and I said oh, like the fries, McChicken and large Dr Pepper I had for lunch? She said that would do it!  So, there we go.  My antidepressant was doubled this week, I am going to eat better and exercise, and when my blood work comes back we will adjust my thyroid medication.  Mid-March I am going to be Wonder Woman!!!!