I'm Fine.....

Just wanted to let you all know that I am fine, pretty much.  I have not slept much all week long, just a few hours a night.  I am so glad this is Friday and I can sleep in late tomorrow.  Usually I just get to sleep between 4 and 5 a.m. and then the alarm goes off at 6:20 so I can be babysitting my granddaughter by a little after 7.  I can stay awake while I am watching her because we are constantly playing and if she takes a morning nap...usually does for 45 min or an hour then I sleep with her, then I come home at noon and take a nap.  Today on the way home I was too sleepy to drive safely and realized I have got to get some sleep. I have had insomnia for a very long time but losing Max was a very hard thing and has not helped me sleep....I just lay awake thinking about him, bills, my kids and grandkids, the nice things all you guys have written me and the encouragement and words of comfort, what all i need to be doing around here, wondering if I will ever get another job, etc...just think of anything and everything but sleep but I am hanging in there and every day is better as far as me bawling....I didn't cry once today so, there.  All my adult life I have had trouble sleeping at night but in the daytime all I have to do is shut my eyes and I am out.  My internal clock is just out of sync I think.  I am not scared at night...just wide awake.  Tomorrow I simply must clean house like a mad woman, like I told you I was going to do last Saturday but then I didn't and Max started having his seizures Saturday night and my life went to hell in a hand basket but......Christmas is coming and I have things I have got to do so I have got to make myself get up tomorrow and clean this house from ceiling to floor, end to end.  Sunday my daughters and grandsons are coming over and I hope to have that marathon day of playing games that I planned for last Sunday.  I will be making chili and cookies and I think some more of that honey popcorn I wrote about several posts back.  I am through with my Christmas shopping...I just get presents for my grandkids so I just have to wrap those and I will be done.  I would like to take my grandsons to see Christmas lights Sunday evening if we can.  It is suppose to start snowing Sunday night and Monday.  Weatherman says this storm could turn in to a big one and parts of our area could get 10 inches if conditions stay just right.  I don't mind a lot of snow like that except worry for everyone who has to get out and drive in it....which would be me every morning that I babysit.  If I were king of the world whenever it snowed I would shut everything down.  We don't get snow here that often and to me it is just crazy for people to be out driving in it.  Since we don't get snow that often my city doesn't have the snow equipment places up north probably have.  We have dump trucks loaded with sand to sand the streets and road graders but only enough that they can do the major streets.  When I worked for the library we would have storms making streets so unsafe that the city buses would not run but yet we had to be at work at the library.  I never quite understood that......too dangerous for buses to run but ok for employees to be out drivng in their cars to get to work.  Oh well, anyway, you may not hear from me for a few days while I am cleaning and doing things with my grandsons and then coping with lots of snow but I will be back eventually.  I am going to force myself to stay off the computer until I get my house totally clean.  When I am depressed or worried or stressed or my dog has died and I want to NOT think about things I get on the AARP website and play mahjongg....for hours on end...I can not play that game and think of anything else so I find myself just playing and playing, even when I no longer really want to....I tell myself just one more game and an hour later I am still playing.  Anyway, give me a few days to get some things done but don't worry that I am not posting.  I am fine....missing my Max baby, but I so appreciate all the emails I got and the comforting words.  They really do help, and I needed to hear from you so thank you.  Now, since it is almost 1 a.m. I am going to make some sleepytime tea and try to go to sleep.  Have a good weekend, y'all.